Night of the 100th Cow

The American Meat Institute, in the days before BSE raged upon the planet, supported a nice little Masters of Science program at the University of Chicago. My dad, who is heavy into corporate meat and will be honored in that fair city this very week for his innovations in food production ranging from excessive use of MSG, through saran packaging, to the invention of the famous Oscar Mayer wiener tunnel (since dismantled to the detriment of quality control of the product) studied there in the early 1950s. As a toddler on the street I remember seeing monkeys in little suits collecting coins from the crowd. I remember standing on tippy toes to see the fabulous model train layout at the museum of science and industry. I remember watching the flag lowering ceremony at Fifth Army Headquarters, and I remember taking the IC into the loop, or maybe it was the El, or maybe they're the same thing.

Anyway, this spring I have a chance to re-visit those old stomping grounds twice... once for the Kraft Korporation ceremonies this week, and again in May for Alex Golub's UBlog Convocation, otherwise known as the Digital Genres Initiative.

Join me there and we can walk in the mooooooo nlight past the old stockyards and see if we can catch a whiff of their fragrant past. Well, okay. It'll be a new moon that night, but so what? The stockyards are gone too.

Does he mean us?

Tim Ireland wants us to link to his page, saying I Support The Raging Cow Boycott - charming.

Cease and Desist

We received a Cease and Desist letter today from one Honchie J. McKillicutty

On Friday, March 7, 2003, at 06:59 AM, Honchie McKillicutty wrote:



You can't parody a parody. It doesn't make any sense. You are

threatening the very fabric of all we hold ironic. It's going to get 

all wrinkled.



Thanks for your understanding.



Honchie J. McKillicutty

President

Honchie.com

Homeland Security Focuses on School Preparedness Training Programs.

WASHINGTON — Schools jittery about how to calm parents and protect students if the United States goes to war with Iraq got more tools and money Friday to help them prepare for terrorism.

"Terrorism forces us to make choices," Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge told teachers and students at Montgomery Blair High School in suburban Silver Spring, Md. "We can be ready or we can be afraid. And you know Americans aren't afraid of anything, so we'll just be ready."

Ridge went on to detail the critical parts of the Blair High School preparedness training. Some security experts have rumored that in one exercise, all junior and senior high students will go through mock drills to master the proper cow spearing techniques.

Still the Cow Toons by which all others will be measured...well...ok...maybe not all others....

Farside

Milking it...

It's the same stuff used in baby formula!

"We want our customers to tike our product but not become adducted to it." (sic)
In fact, Sic semper Trojans pukus...

Half baked? I don't think so! "...tastes like regular milk, but you can get hammered from it..."

...and Orange Vodka Slush! mmm-mmm good!

...and finally, we've come a long way since the days of fermented mare's milk. Haven't we? Hunh? Hunh?

Raging Cows Can 'Explode Mines'

While much of the world shuns British cows, a Cambodian newspaper suggested yesterday that the animals be shipped to Cambodia and allowed to roam free and detonate the millions of landmines littering the war-ravaged country. "The English have 11 million Raging cows and Cambodia has roughly the same number of equally mad landmines," the Cambodia Daily newspaper said. "Surely the solution to Cambodia's mine problem is here before our very eyes in black and white. "The plan is simple, practical, and will make mincemeat of the problem overnight." [1]

Go and read this

It has nothing to do with Cows, but the folks who set me off on this in the first place could have learned a lot.
World of Ends
We now return you to your regular bovine glee.

[Ok. So this music? It plays while you're posting...How can you resist?]

Best 'Raging Cow' link yet:

I found myself in an unusual situation last night. Washing blood off my driveway and lawn. I think you would agree that this is not a normal Monday night occurrence.

It all started when Mrs. Pedro, the enforcer came into the house to inform me that there were police cars in front of the house. So we went out and discovered a large black cow on the rampage. It had come through the neighbors back fence and then smashed through her front gate. In hot pursuit were sheriff's deputies, city police, and a cowboy with a lasso.

The raging cow had escaped from a trip to the Vet for its shots. Somewhere along the way, Bessie decided to make a break for it. And break she did. She squished fences and dinged cars all through town. When we saw her she had taken out here bovine angst on the neighbors chain link and was headed down the street in search of more victims. At this point we assumed the worst to be over and went back into the house.

It wasn't long after that we heard police sirens squawking in front of the house again. Sure enough Bessie was back.
The story continues...

Raging Cow Disease

(n.) 1. A form of madness that makes shitting in the well seem like good marketing. 2. A metaphor for gross lack of sensitivity to the resonances of a marketing phrase. E.g., the failed Haagan Daz flavor "Ebola Chunks" and "STD oil filters."

got moloko?

If you were inventing a name for an 'edgy' dairy beverage by raiding cultural memes that just predate the birth of your target market, would you go to Scorsese, or Kubrick?



Image made by Justin Hare

Milton Keynes' famous concrete cows

Photo by Brad

American Spy Cow Information Center

"The Black Fighting Cow's main weapon is rage, craziness, mad cow disease or whatever you want to call it."

Milk is all the rage

"...cow's milk, especially processed cow's milk, has been linked to a variety of health problems, including…mood swings, depression, irritability...Our children have changed. Drivers have changed. Society has become angrier and more emotional. It's as if a world gone mad has experienced rapid mood shifts caused by raging hormones."

HAIR OF THE COW...
CALCULATING COW ENERGY REQUIREMENTS
As temperatures drop, the energy requirements for your cows increases. The lower critical temperature for a dry cow is 32 degrees F. A cow’s energy requirements increase 1% for each degree the wind chill is below the lower critical temperature.

To calculate energy requirements, follow these guidelines: Obtain expected wind chill requirements from local weather forecasts. Calculate the magnitude of cold by subtracting the degree of wind chill from 32 degrees. Calculate the energy needs based on 1% for each degree below the critical temperature. Feed cows the appropriate increase to meet their energy requirements.

Cows that have a wet hair coat reach their critical temperature at 59 degrees F., which is 27 degrees warmer than dry hair coat cows. The energy requirements for wet cows change twice as much for each degree change in wind chill. To calculate the magnitude of cold when a cow is wet, subtract the wind chill from 59 degrees F. and multiply by two.

Cows have long been considered an efficient and cost effective form of urban transportation...

A paen to the cow

How the cow makes milk


from Science Songs

A genuinely raging cow

[UNGULATE ADVISORY: EXPLICIT CONTENT]

Brutal Cow Tippings Continue at Mayfield Dairy Farms

CHATTANOOGA—In one more of what has been a bizarre turn of events, thirty-seven black and white Herefords were "tipped" in the early hours this Wednesday at Mayfield Dairy Farms. This seems to be the latest in a spree of cow tippings that area police have traced to a local group of unemployed, angry midgets.

Is this name supposed to evoke a bloody 1980 boxing movie, or Mad cow disease?

Seen any good mooooo-vies lately?

Garrrghhh, I crack myself up!